What kept me focused

When i was first diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer in September it took maybe a month to actually be able to say to myself that i had cancer yet alone to anyone else. A few close people to me knew i was ill but i wanted to keep it quiet as i believed the best way to deal with this was just to get my head down and ignore it.

Dam i was wrong!, once i started to tell a couple of close friends i realized speaking about it actually really helped me, the good thing about my friends too was they didn’t look at me any differently, which i would of hated! i WAS sick but i was still me and i did not want to be treated any differently by anyone for it.

Anyway sorry i am drifting off my point of this post ha, i will be doing this alot over this blog ha!

Back when i was 11 years old my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia and i almost lost him to that bastard disease. But what always stayed in my head from then was not how sick my dad was but how fucking strong he stayed while he was technically dying!!! He would be tampering with his Chemo machine to make it hurry up because he didnt wanna sit in the room with the sick people, he would be walking off to the shops with his chemo machine to get cigarettes. He was always the one in the room laughing and joking with every body else who was sick keeping them entertained. Its amazing how i can barely remember what happened yesterday but i remember everything about my dad being ill, and the memories of how he was then taught me i need to keep on a brave face and stay how i always have been. He will never know the strength he gave me to fight cancer from these memories.

Another thing was within the first few weeks of being diagnosed i noticed how i would find myself whispering the word cancer when i actually told them, like it was a dirty word to associate myself with, soon as i changed my way of thinking with that i felt better, i did not want to hide the fact i had cancer. I had nothing to be ashamed with on being sick this is what i had and i was not going to let it get the better of me.

I cant write this without talking a bit about a guy i have become lucky enough to call a friend. This guys name is Clint Darden, he was a professional American strongman and has been suffering with Auto Immune for a very long time. Now he done a interview called “even a lion falls and fails” and there is a line in there which completely changed how i dealt with this. he was asked the question

” if you could give someone going through something, what would you say?”

To which he replied

” If i could tell anyone out there that is struggling with a similar situation as i am, id just tell them its OK, whatever you feel its ok, And dont let anyone tell you that its wrong, if your sad, angry, depressed if your tired its ok, dont let anyone tell you that theres anything wrong with who you are an whats wrong”

This made me realise however i felt is find and who has the right to tell me any different.

Heres a link if you feel like a watch –

Another thing that helped me was, after my 2nd operation i had a phone call from the owner of my gym Dave Beattie, who actually said ” why the F**K are you not training” ha told me that hes been thinking and he thinks if i start lifting again it will help me to clear my mind a bit and dam he was right!!! started picking me up in the morning and driving me to the gym and putting me through a light session. This got me back into regularly lifting and you dont realize to us lifting is a form of therapy.

If your reading this and you know me you will know that i am a little bit of an ultimate warrior fan ha, this guys videos on youtube are awsome!!! his injections of inspiration would always help me on a bad day his no BS attitude to talking about life were incredible

 

I had a lot of people tell me things like it was “inspiring” for me to keep the attitude i did throughout the entire time of being sick. Without sounding rude i really appreciate the kind words but i genuinely dont think there was anything inspiring about how i dealt with it at all. Yes i realized i am a lot stronger of a person then i thought i was but i don’t think there is anything inspiring with just wanting to live ? and i really think 90% of people would of been the same as i was. But again you will never know how you deal with these situations until you are in it ( which i hope no one reading this ever will be )

However i did make one massive mistake throughout all of this and that was holding onto emotion, for my lifting i have always been quite an angry lifter. Meaning when i am lifting something big i call on alot of aggression from incidents that have happened in my past. But This was FAR too much emotion for me to think i had under control. I organised a charity truck pull in March where 20 of us competed against each other in pulling a 10 tonne truck 20 meters in as quick a time as possible. Leading up to this event i was a f*cking emotional wreck, i was breaking down into tears randomly for about 2 weeks leading up to this. My good friend Samantha had my crying down the phone to her quite badly ha. On the day of the comp i was a 21stone mess! i was out the back of the gym crying on the phone to my friend Johhnie and Grant, trying to get them to calm me down and they did! when it was my turn i was a mess! my friend Tosin was pshyching me up for the pull and i dont remember much of it apart from collapsing at the end and the tears wouldnt stop!

So if i was to give some advice from my mistake, don’t hold onto emotion! talk to people tell them how you feel, people are there to help and listen and are pretty dam good at it! if people knew just how shit i feel on certain days im sure they would be quite concerned for me.

But as everyone i have my good days and my bad, just need to make it more good then bad. Everyone has the strength inside them to fight a disease like this they just sometimes need help realizing it.

Anyway i hope this blog may be able to help someone somewhere going through something.

I named a few friends in this that helped me but there is alot more then that! big love to everyone who did help me you know who you are x

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