I am depressed! its something i have learned recently to recognise and i am not ashamed of it 1 bit. Its a temporary mindset and it wont last.
Again i am writing this from the heart, i probably wont re read what i write as i will just delete things and change it.
Now something i have been convincing myself i am not for years ( i believe ) is to be suffering with depression/anxiety.
Now i dont know if having the cancer has changed how my mind works? so for the first time in my life i am seeing things for how they are. Now its probably up until maybe 3 days ago i have come to terms with the fact i am currently fighting depression ( another battle i am going to win btw, just need to figure out how)
Why do i think i am depressed? i am having very very dark thoughts these days, i will be standing at a train station after work and next thing my head will play out the entire scenario in VIVID detail if i was to jump, in my mind i have been there and seen how my family would react to it, been to my own funeral on countless occasions while stood on a platform with people who would be scared of me if they knew! I am by no means saying i am suicidal but these cant be healthy thoughts can they ? i am randomly crying then getting so frustrated at myself as i dont know why ? i have beaten cancer, been promoted at work, live with my loving family so why am i feeling like this?
One thing that that genuinely scared me was the suicide of Chester Bennington, in an interview he done ( below ) he almost described how i been feeling. ” this place between my head is a bad neighbourhood, i should not be in here on my own” or words to this effect lol the fact i could relate to this and then what he went and done brought my head out of a bad place very quickly.
But recently i have felt my mind going back to that bad place, thankfully i have some really good friends around me who know what to say and how to say it. What i have come to realise recently though is do i spend most my time ” getting my head out the bad place” in my ways which usually revolve around go to the gym get angry as hell and kill myself lifting some big weights ( bi for me lol )
Is this just masking the issue? am i just temporarily releasing these bad emotions when in reality the main issue is still there? i have just masked over the problem for now, until the next time depressions ugly head shows itself again.
So the journey i am on at the moment is to find out how to face these demons head on and conquer them ( and i will! ) A guy i look up to massively in life and in lifting BIll Kazmaier has a thing he says ” the measure of a man is how he reacts on a bad day” and it wasnt until a nearly 3 hour conversation with a good friend of mine that i realised i need to start giving myself some credit.
His question to me was, tell me a moment in your life when you felt nothing but pure power, pure certainty and positive thoughts
- My answer was when the doctor told me i had cancer – at that precise moment in time i didnt know if i was about to be told i had a month to live, needed to spend the next 9 months in hospital receiving chemo therapy ( as my dad did when he had a form much worse then i did ) , all i knew at this moment in time is whatever he was about to tell me i am going to win, no ifs or buts, this was something i was going to beat and i was going to still live a good life.
up until this moment whenever i thought of that diagnosis i would get upset, but this is just me looking at it in a bad way. Was weird if he told me at that moment i had a week to live, i would of walked out of there laughing and told him hes wrong!
So now i have recognised that i need to draw on that energy that i will beat the demons going round in my head at the moment.
Really sorry for going off point throughout what i just wrote but i am determined to write this blog how i feel. And i will type what is in my head at the time of typing it.
What my friend said to me also which has really helped is, you just gotta learn to accept it and recognise the triggers which can send your head down the gutter.
Anyway to end this a line which i am keeping in my head which is really helping me.
Tomorrow is another day, accept whatever comes, if i start feeling depressed it wont last, i have the power to be happy. Its in my control and always has been!!!
Hope everyone is good and thank you for reading!