Todays Battle

The 20th of September marked 1 year to the day that i had a doctor tell me i had Cancer, Which was by far the worst day of my life.

Tomorrow is the day i get my final results which depending on the results will put me into remission and i cant wait for this appointment to happen.

I am sat here now in work having a near on anxiety attack since about 9am this morning, i want this day to end i want to be at home in bed sleeping to make this day quicker. One thing i have learnt over this last year is its ok to feel like this aslong as i channel it properly.

Honestly do not know if i can make it through the day without breaking down. Just have this constant need to release some emotion today, scared that when someone asks me if i am ok they may actually get an honest answer instead

” yeah i am good, and you ? ”

Which has become my generic answer to that question, Why ? cause it deflects the attention off me back onto them. If you ask someone how they are and they answer with that while smiling 9/10 people wont realise just how close to the edge you actually are.

Which has just made me think of a song to listen to

Well i listened to 30 seconds of that song then realised its not going to help todays mindset and changed back to Metal.

And WOW i just got a phone call from my doctors PA who is giving me the results tomorrow and i am sat here now trying to control my breathing and stop the pins and needles that are happening in my hands! All that was going through my head is why is she ringing me ? WTF is wrong ? if she asked me to come in early i would of feinted! but turns out she just wanted my health insurance details.

Well anyway i guess i better get back to trying to trick the world into believing i am ok today!

Hope everyone is well.

Craig

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