There has been a thought process for me which i have come to call “the battle” for me this is the ongoing battle within between happy + Sad.
Since my last results which were good by the way i am officially in remission and really enjoyed life for about 6 weeks after that, up until a blood clot developed in my leg and traveled up my leg, which was operated on last week and hopefully sorted which happened before it went to my lung and potentially killed me! which i guess is good!
Anyway back to the point at the moment i am back that continuous battle of happy VS sad, today i was feeling pretty good and walked into my WHSMITH’s near work to buy a chocolate and then i was hit with seeing a cancer research box on the counter where you donate and get this little angel pin. Well it felt like time froze and i was hit with every memory of the last 15 months all at once! now sat here at my desk writing this as a way of offloading a little bit of this emotion.
Its also got me thinking is this battle going to be something i got to fight forever ? i feel like all i been doing for so long is fighting and i am fucking tired of it!!! please dont mistake this for a “giving up” message, its far from that! its not in my nature to quit on life!
I just really need to find better coping mechanisms other then lifting in the gym as it seems i spend most my time out of there these days due to crap health! its weird being without lifting for the time i have now has made me feel even weaker mentally, i have realized i didn’t deal with so many issues and i masked over them my going crazy in the gym and lifting until i couldn’t move anymore.
anyway gone a bit off the topic hear just writing what i feel as i feel it! anyone got any experience with similar? feel free to comment as would be nice to know i am not the only one thinking like this!
Anyway i hope all is good and i appreciate you reading my thoughts!