During this time of year i am finding it really had to resist temptation to reflect on the last couple of years. As typical with the end of year you tend to think about everything that has happened leading up to this point, these days my head is a constant battle between happiness and this deep sadness/anger on whos going to get control over my mindset for the day.
Trying to keep my head set on the fact that this year i BEAT cancer and officially got put into remission, but struggling with what the doctors don’t tell you about beating Cancer. The fact that every day you think of everything that has happened and the slightest thing you come across to do with cancer can bring back a million memories! but since i been seeing my Councillor i have realized i need to confront these emotions and get over them rather then push them to the back of my head and try forget it all. If you make the decision to change your mindset like this i highly recommend you got a good support group of friends + family around you cause this is hard !!!
The thoughts of death have slowly started to come back and i am trying to keep them thoughts away! Struggling to sleep lately since coming off Tramadol ( taking for the pain with the blood clot ) and i really wish the doc never put me on these as since then i have not been doing too good mentally! But i am holding onto the fact this will hopefully be better once this is all out of my system.
So again i have gone completely off the topic of reminiscing and started talking about how im doing.
So i am trying to focus on the good parts of this year
- Beating Cancer
- Beating a blood clot which had the potential to kill me if left.
- I can still manage to smile
These days feel like all i do is fight ( mentally and against my own body ) but yeah i am winning! i dont intend to stop winning.
Oh yeah last Friday when the vein specialist decided i am fit now and she dont need to see me anymore, she dropped a MASSIVE bomb on me and made the proverbial black cloud appear above my head again.
” just to say aswell the issue you have had with the ascending flomboflebitis ( thats no going to be how you spell it ) there is a direct link to patients being diagnosed with cancer within the next couple of years but its a small %”
Well Fuck you doc! fuck you! you have no idea what you just done to me! i went home that night and i cried like a child!
Anyway i got a meeting to go to now so time to smile and pretend.